My Child... she's 16 now...

My story... Two days before you were born...
You were supposed to be born around the 24th or 26th of July...
We wanted to go to watch the fireworks at Ala Moana, but since it was so crowded, we ended up at Waikiki by Walls. I remembered sitting on the beach in the evening, looking at the sky light up with all the colors from the fireworks. Jayna was in awe of EACH "boom" EACH "wow!" was amazing...
Once the fireworks were over, we waited til most of the crowd was gone to get up. Jayna and your daddy had to help me up because I was so big and heavy... goodness...
Till tomorrow... your life continues to grow... 
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The night before... It was late, and I was restless... I couldn't get comfortable whether I was on my left side or right. I did the pillow under my knees when I was lying on my back, but even that was uncomfortable...
When I was tired of being in bed, I went to the living room to just sit up and get tired. There was a late night movie, but I couldn't concentrate what was on... just so uncomfortable.
Lucky for us, we had back up that just in case, we had the neighbors ready to watch your older sister if we had to leave in the middle of the night. In this case, it was close to 4:00 am, July 6th, when I bolted up in pain. It wasn't like with your sister... every contraction with her were like Peter and the Wolf... false alarms. With you, it was immediate. Your dad woke up the neighbors to let them know. I went straight to the shower because I didn't know when I would get the next chance to do so...
The contractions were so close and I had a hard time moving; every step was not painful, but definitely stopped me from moving forward. As soon as I was able, I moved to get myself ready. We dropped off your sister and quickly left for the hospital.
I realized when we were about 5 minutes to the hospital, we forgot the video camera. The still camera was in the shop... So no immediate pictures of you. I had to buy disposable ones! Auntie Rhino was just grateful there were pictures!
As soon as we arrived at the hospital, got into a room, got the epidural, you were ready to greet the world. I wasn't! The epidural wasn't working and well, ready or not, within the hour we arrived, you greeted the world, bright and early.
And the rest... is not just history.. but future for you.
Hau'oli la hanau Kauanoelehua! Sixteen years of loving, sixteen years of challenges, chocolate messes, tears, laughter, memories... I love you with all my heart and soul.
Blessings to you on this day and always. I love you forever Beechabee!!!

It's been awhile...

These are those moments I cherish... to simply not talk to anyone.. be myself... quiet with just the tv in the background... not answer the phone (CHOICE)... fb if I really want to... definitely watch Friends reruns

Journaling is something that I miss doing but going to pick it up again... it's been awhile...

Life challenge - Hope Always

Do you feel sometimes that life really is challenging? Sometimes, I am at a loss of what to say, do, or feel. I think that I allow others to "control" my actions and comply. Why?

The last few weeks have been challenging, but hopefully getting better.

Hope Always.

2013 - a new journey... with LOTS of thankfulness!

It's been quite a journey I've been walking on the last 5 years. So much to think about to actually BLOG, because some things should be kept private... So what can be said?

I've definitely had some ups and downs...

The kids are great.

My Love is wonderful.

God is amazing.

I am truly blessed to be where I am, a place of my own, OUR own... a job I really do enjoy... friends and family who have been so awesomely supportive.

I learned that not everything goes as smoothly as I would like, and that's okay.

God is always in control. Once I started to understand, I knew I could leave things up to Him and somehow, it all works out. I don't know why or how, but it just does.

I'm proud of my kids. Truly. Even though #1 is not going to school, she's learning. And you know what? She's so much more open and understanding now than before. When she's ready for school, just like God... she'll go. The Mommy in me says "soon???" But really, I know, it's up to her. I'm still so proud.

Number 2 child is doing okay. Onto her 2nd (yes 2nd) bf, and well, as long as school is still good, and she's not side tracked TOOO MUCH... she is definitely very different from her sister. Very sociable, very talkative. At least they are both good to each other. They support each other the way how my sister and I were (and ARE)! Get along, "borrow" stuff.. fight.. hug.. lots of tears... still strong.

My little man... so ready to be with me. He's so kind, and loving and thoughtful. I know he's already a wonderful young man. He still kisses his Mommy in public (proud moment) and does what he is told. Oh yes, he has his moments, but his love out weighs the icky stuff.

My Love... what can I say? I would've never been in Grace Group if you hadn't pushed me. Thank you. I wouldn't have been as strong as I am now, if you didn't encourage me. I hope I am able to be a better person for you!

God is good... All the time! He is amazing. I realized that at church yesterday... that I don't mind talking about God and love and going to church. No shame, just IS.

I have amazing friends and family - sis, Arn, soccer moms, co-workers, cousins, friends... so loving, so supportive. Thank you.

And to my Guardian Angel - My Mommy.. It's been 16 years yesterday... and although I miss you I know you're here, watching over all of us... thank you for being YOU.

Things do come in threes...

Today marked a monumental day for different people...

- Darrah's birthday. My long time SHA friend from high school. She is the "oldest" of the gang to turn yet another year!

- Martin Luther King day. What a day to remember a man who had a DREAM. And his dream became reality for many!

- President Obama's Inaguration. Hawaii represented by Kamehameha Schools and Punahou's marching band.

And on a personal note.. time with my sister to clean out storage. So many times we've gone back and forth trying to get rid of stuff that we had such a hard time doing. Why couldn't we do it before? Why wasn't it easy to do? We weren't hoarders. We just held onto family memories, Mom's memories... Dad's memories... In the end, we both realized that they will always love us. We can't take these items with us to Heaven... but we can certainly share with others what Mom and Dad loved and enjoyed.

We were able to donate stuff for our cousin's garage sale, give more blankets to our dear Auntie! Yes, we still came home with a few items, but they were of our OWN memories that we decided to keep. AND to also pass on to friends who would certainly appreciate Clown Smurf... Mickey... and a few records my daughter would enjoy.

Thank you for a wonderful day, Lord! We've given, we sent our love, and we've enjoyed a day!

Oldest got her License!!!

Oldest passed her driving test!!! Yippee!!!

Enough said. :)

Do you think...

Do you think I'm too soft?

Everyone I've talked to asked "Who has the kids?" and I tell them he does, they ask "Why?"

I'm sure he knows that with this one HUGE mistake, the possibility of losing the kids is pretty high. I don't want to take the kids away from him, but I did give him an opportunity to be PONO about everything. Can't blame me for his choice. I didn't choose the path - he did. His parents even discussed about taking the kids, but they don't have the rights to do that. His choice paved the way he's dealing with right now.

The kids are important and I need to make sure they are safe. I check in on them constantly to make sure...

Lots of prayers...

Well, Christmas is coming.

Black Friday came and went. That was one busy night/day.

Now, into the first week of December and people are already sending in their Christmas cards AND I got 2 poinsettias already!!! I haven't gotten my tree yet, but it's coming... this weekend it's coming... Can't wait to set up the lights and make things festive.

I really do love the holidays and wish people could stay jolly all year round. Shouldn't take a lot of work right? Even for myself...

Okay so, plans to string up lights, put up the tree, buy the rest of the Christmas gifts and yippee! Relax.

Black Friday coming soon...

Thanksgiving and all its trimmings will come soon. No.. haven't done the whole dinner thing yet with the kids and family.

Yes, I'm working Black Friday.

So what is there to be thankful for? A lot! I'm breathing, laughing, my health is great! I have a loving partner and wonderful kids! My sister and her family are so supportive! I have GREAT friends who love me unconditionally. Cousins who are amazingly resilient when they see where I started, how my family grew, how my ex and I grew apart, and now a whole new different life I lead.

I have God in my life. Yes, I do. I do my best to be a good Christian, and just as importantly, a good person.

I work 2 jobs - one being a full time job, and the other to have some extra money for any incidentals.

So Black Friday. A place and time I decided a long time ago I would not venture. It was CRAZY when we were kids! Mom used to drag us to all the sales and standing in lines and it was hot... Now, I get to work my FIRST midnight shift EVER.

So come to Old Navy and check out the sales! I'll be there!

Happy Thanksgiving and Black Friday!

There's a lot to be thankful for today... and always!

Happy Thanksgiving!

So much to be thankful for... I know I FB'd quite a bit, but there's so much more personal stuff I wanted to say...

Patudes - you are a blessing. I am so grateful for those Thursday emails and the talks we have. You know what has been going on and you continue to be a wonderful friend and confidante!

Chica - we were meant to be and we both know we were sisters in a lifetime... I miss you immensely! Thank you for being so understanding!!! I hope I can get myself out to you and the boys in the next year!!!

My kids - You are so strong and resilient! We've all put you through the ringer so many times, I know it hasn't been easy. It's been up.. down... we've had so really rough and crappy times.. there were moments of no talking.. then breakdowns... lots of growing up so quickly... Geez.. I thought that it couldn't get any worse but it did. And now we're here and we're all learning what it is to be stronger people and not take any more excuses EVER. Thank you for always believing and loving no matter what. I treasure you all so close to my heart!!! Please don't ever think I don't love you. It's forever, y'know.

Peanut - my bestest always. You have been through all the crap and laughs and the hard times.. the good times... I cannot count how many times you stayed to keep me positive. When things looked bad, you still stayed and prayed. You PRAYED for me! You put God in my life, you made Him important in my life and I know that is what keeps me strong. Who would've thunk that you of all people would believe so strongly in Him!! But I look at you and know that you will not turn away from Him because He's done so much for you.... for US. I love you!

Manwa - I am ever so thankful that throughout all the years, we finally came back together to live and learn! So much has changed since we were children right???? We're all HAPPY now and we live in the NOW. I continue to look to you for guidance, but know that I will make my decisions my decisions. Thank you for always believing in me. I know we're not just sisters anymore. We are friends and continue to love each other as adults! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

More writing later since I'm just emotional...

Another Thanksgiving coming

About 15 years ago, an incident change my life, my kids lives.

Today, here we are again, and this time, it's mind boggling. I thought the lies and deceit was done. But that was then. This is now. Is it any different? Maybe, but I really don't know anymore. How can it be truth when I don't really know if he's really telling the truth. The whole truth. At this point, it's not about him anymore. My counselor told me to let him go. The most important people I need to concentrate on are the kids. That's the bottome line.

The kids can't take the lies anymore. They can't trust him. They don't even want to talk to him. He didn't even call... The little one has no clue, but I'm sure he has an idea that something is not right. Not anymore.

I don't really like to air out the laundry in social networks... even blogging like this. I have to stop. Think. And then decide what to write without people knowing what is really going on.

For those of you who I already spoke to, you know. And it's hard. I have to stop trying to make sense about all this and move on. That's what people have told me today. Move on. Take care of the kids. They are priority.

When he's ready to be on the same page, then I'll consider. Until then, I can't believe anything he says.

He'll always be this. Always be tainted because he allowed it to happen over and over again. It's not like cancer or catching a cold. This. This is different.

If God said that He was throwing a few more challenges my way, I don't think I would've taken that route. But I don't have a choice on how they all happened. It just did. Now how do I handle it from here? That's the challenge.

Forgiveness will come. Just not yet. I'm not ready. Trust is certainly on the back burner.

So here we are again. Another Thanksgiving that is full of mixed emotions. I guess what I can say is that I am thankful it happened. The kids are aware and will not take it anymore. Thank you God for allowing that to happen. Make him take responsibility for his actions. Consequences on the way and then healing.. IF he has faith in himself to heal.

For the kids. Don't do it. Just don't.

It’s like a death in the family

I’m numb. Thinking… how did this all happen?

WHY is really the question.

I think I have a lot in my head to even comprehend how and why.

As long as I keep the kids SAFE, then I can certainly move forward.

Truth and Consequences

Dear Diary,

I'm trying to figure out the best way to grasp this situation that has been building over the last couple of days... when in fact, it's been the last possible 10 years. I'm so naiive when it comes to people telling me, looking at me in the face, and believing what they tell me is truth. Okay. I get it. I give them the benefit of the doubt and decide that their lives are just as important as mine and I will make changes in my life to accommodate theirs.

I found out that the person I used to love just lied to me. Not only did he lie to me, he lied to his family and our kids. He's telling the truth now, but even now, I'm wondering how much of it is really the truth. There's been a string of events that really doesn't make sense, but is now making sense in a weird way. Sounds weird but there it is.

The kids - although he thinks they're okay, they're really not. One doesn't want to stay at home anymore. The other just stays out long enough and then hides out in her room. The youngest, he just wants to be loved. He says they're okay. They're fine. All is well. If he really listened to them, they're not. I'm not saying that I was an angel and when I left, it was great. Right now, it's just about taking care of the kids and keeping them safe.

Maybe I'm saying too much. Maybe I'm not saying enough. Either way, I'm finding out today because it's too much in my head to figure this all out. I don't like playing the guessing game and then be told a lie and then there's a much deeper "truth" to it all.

The consequence in all this - I don't know yet. I don't know what he's gonna say or do or ???? I'm sure I'll have more questions when he tells me the "truth".

Trying to stay positive

Everyday when I am at work, someone comes to our area and asks "Hi! How are you doing?" My general answer has been "Wonderful!" or "Great!"

I try not to start the day with a grumble or a whine. Each day that is brought before us is truly a gift. Yes, corny as that sounds, it's true. I used to think negatively... just living the day out with activities to do... stuff that need to be done... just mundane day to day STUFF.

When I realized how I was so lucky to get a job at a time when they weren't even really hiring, how could it be that bad? So after 4 1/2 years, I still say it's a wonderful day... it's a GREAT day! I'm so lucky to work with amazing ladies who put out to the company each and every day.

First boyfriend...

My daughter called me yesterday with this "voice" I know when she's excited about something. She has her first boyfriend at 18 years old. She's giggly. She's in heaven. She's in love!
She thought I was going to freak out on her. Can you believe that? After all our family has gone through? I told her (and laughing) "Really Kawai? Really? Look at our crazy family. I can't freak out really."
I asked her if she was happy, and of course it's a YES. Then the next step was to make sure she was SAFE. I am not ready to be a gran'ma!!!
All in all, I am honestly happy for her. She's my first born, my little love. I'll always protect her. ALWAYS.

My To Do List...

Thank you Sis for this list. I actually keep this on my computer to look at everyday to remind me that there's so much more important things to remember:
1. Count my blessings
2. Practice kindness
3. Let go of what I can't control
4. Listen to my heart
5. Be productive yet calm (that's a good one)
6. Just breathe

In my every day being, I get caught up with STUFF. What a wonderful reminder to stop, read and last of all BREATHE.

Running since my birthday...

So since posting back in February... what races did I run?
- Great Aloha Run
- Ford Island 10K
- Ford Island's run, walk, remembrance
- Susan Komen Run
- Freedom Run
- Recovery Run & Walk

Now up and coming..
- Turkey Trot 10K
- Honolulu Marathon

I haven't really done much running really. Not consistently every week. The marathon is just a month away and I need to get myself ready! Last year, I was with Hardass Fitness, doing CrossFit.. but due to timing and $$, I just couldn't get it together. Kimo & Diane were so gracious to have us join and workout. I'll never forget their generosity!

This year, I'm at least putting in some boot camp at work that one of the physicians is holding every Thursday at lunch. Yoga on Fridays. Soccer on Sundays. That's it. I need to run.

Must run...

Dear President Obama...

"Hana Hou" is the title of today's morning Star Advertiser. Yes, thank you everyone for voting back another 4 more years with our current President. I'm happy and satisfied with my choices this year.

Yay to upholding the rights for women to have abortions, people who can choose to have same sex marriages, and taking care of our senior citizens. Okay, so the marijiuana approval... interesting... let's see how that plays out.

Thank you Mr. President. Now, you can make the changes you keep talking about and I know you will accomplish in these next four years.

Voting Today - Make a difference!!!

I voted today...

Between the top two candidates, President Obama and Mitt Romney, I had to figure out who would, in the end, be the better choice. It didn't really matter about military or taxes. To me, it was about Medicare/Medicaid - our elderly are so important! One day, we will be in that position!

Then about upholding the Roe vs. Wade - abortion should always be a choice for women. To not give a choice at all, will only leave women to do things "illegally". Men are lucky they don't really have to take on this type of "burden" of a choice.

And finally about the rights for gays and lesbians... everyone should have the right to be with whoever they want and get the same rights as heterosexuals. Yes, speaking strongly and it's true.

And for those of you that actually lie that you're going to vote, shame on you. Your proof that you voted doesn't count if you "borrow" a friend's voting receipt.

Clearing my head

I'm so amazed by the way how people accept life as it is and others who choose to differ.

I think that all these years, I thought that I needed that white picket fence, the house with 3 bedrooms, a big yard... I don't. I don't need those "things". It's nice sure. But I've had too much stuff that's happened over the years... I've had this childhood belief that I wanted the Cinderella life...

This is reality.. and from here, I can make it whatever I want.

And I want to simply be happy.

Me. Happy. It can happen and it really is up to me to find that happiness. No one else can.

And that to me, makes all the difference.