It's about being sick...

Do you ever wonder why people call in sick on a Monday? After a full weekend of bliss or busy-ness? I wonder...

There's a lot of people who called in sick today.

I was just wondering...

Religion isn't just about God...

Tonight was the 2nd night of the Women's Arise seminar. I wasn't sure what to make of it, since I've never been to one. People told me (who attended the seminar before) that I would cry... I would learn... it would change me... to love God more.

There were many women in the seminar who have attended before and those who never attended. I was one of the ones who never attended. I didn't know what to expect the three days we were there. I went in with an open mind, not making any judgments on what was going to happen (or not).

I am learning on this journey about myself and my understanding about God. Boils down to belief.. being positive about myself, loving myself, and being truthful. To surrender, to trust - wholeheartedly. It's not easy, I know. I think about how I could be better at surrendering completely and it's hard. I did give an example of that, but to do it all the time is not that easy.

Tomorrow is the last day and there's a lot to learn. I'm glad I have close friends attending too; they're such great support!

Getting Emotional

Dear Friend,

Since I can't really write to anyone else or talk to anyone at the moment, I know you're always there listening. I seem to journal when my emotions are really high or really low... Today, it's been low. :(

So here it goes... just a vast amount of thoughts running through my mind... Tomorrow yes, is my Dad's 36th death anniversary. I think about it closer now. He died when he was 50. I was 7 years old. I'm closer to his age and I am feeling so scared. Everyone knew that he wasn't going to make it past the year - 1977. So there were some things that had to speed up in my life in the 1st grade. I received my 1st Holy Communion in the 1st grade. Usually it's the 2nd grade.. but because Daddy was not going to make it.. the Church agreed. I had received it in the hospital since he couldn't make it to the Church.

The night he passed... we were woken up at home to come to the hospital... I remembered the floor he was on, the lights were bluish looking...we walked to his room. The Dominican sisters surrounded his bed in prayer... all night... I wasn't quite sure what was happening... until Mommy said to kiss Daddy. I couldn't reach him so someone had to hold me up to at least kiss the side of his face. I didn't realize until then that he was gone.

I can't seem to stop crying. I'm writing as if I'm leaving... Like I've lost so much.

Ironically, I just met with a wonderful young pastor. Pastor Billy Lile from Grace Bible Church. Youth Minister. God appears in mysterious ways. I was meeting him because I signed a card that I wanted to do more for the youth.

Back track to when Daddy passed away...
Mommy had to raise us; single parent, huge house. No insurance, nothing for her to fall back on.. she stayed home because Daddy asked her to raise us. Now, she had to work three jobs to make ends meet. I'm sure she was wondering how she was going to do everything without him.

We were attending Catholic School and there was no way that Mommy would be able to afford the both of us in private school. Then Mommy got the call. There was an anonymous donor that wanted to give back to a family. See, he was in prison and found God. He asked the school if there was a family that needed help. The Dominican Sisters told him that we had just lost our dad... This donor... he provided and paid our school tuition for both my sister and I until we graduated 8th grade. How blessed!!! Since that time, I wanted to find a way to provide for someone.. someone who did an act of kindness to my family... I wanted to give back the same way.

Now back to Pastor Billy...
He was honest and truthful. And it hit me. This was just the way to do it.
Our youth - the chance to find God before 25 is 9:10. After that, it's 1 in 10,000. WOW right?
We need more youth ministers. Sending young adults to school to pastor them. What an appropriate time to give.
So, I'm going to give what I can. It's like God's way of letting me know this is going full circle.

I'm so grateful for everything I do have. Grateful for my Mommy & Daddy - giving me the basics, the foundation I needed to grow.

I'll feel better soon. In the meantime, my tears will continue to flow and I will continue to miss them...

Heart's a little sore

Sometimes we put ourselves in a position, choice of our own... To make heart sore. Hurts a little.

Other times, someone else make it hurt too.

Either way, my heart is sore from loving so much. I think I care too much for people. I invest in relationships, and what the outcome may be may not necessarily mean its in my favor.

Love sucks sometimes. Caring about people sucks too.

July 10th - 36 years ago

Thirty-six years ago my father passed away. I was seven years old.

I haven't thought much about my dad's "anniversary" date for so long (my wedding anniversary was the same day) that I had forgotten... So sorry Daddy...

In those few years I had with him, I remember bits and pieces of time with him...
- teaching my sister and I how to say the rosary and lead the churchgoers to say the rosary - at age 3!
- not really knowing how to read, but he was determined to teach my sister and I through singing. So my first song (not religious) "Top of the World" by Karen Carpenter. Every time I hear that song, I can see us sitting on the little chairs outside on the lanai, staring at the large yellow paper my dad had written the lyrics to the words. When we finally memorized the song, we started performing for family & friends.
- Meeting his dad, my grandfather for the first time. I was three years old - in Pangasinan.
- Taking me to his work - he was a Supervisor for Aloha Airlines. Did you know that he suggested to earn more revenue for the company, to provide alcohol on the flights??? What a scream! And of course, now every airline provides.. with a cost, of course.
- His tickles
- He used to hand feed me.

In that small amount of time, I was able to learn how patient this man was. He worked full time, was a carpenter, a photographer, and a loving husband and dad.

I really hold onto these memories because I don't have much to go on.

I get jealous and sad at the same time when I see girls with their dads and they hug them so tight... or they treat them like the plague... then there's those whose parents need care because they're elderly...

Me? I wish for more time with him. To have gotten to know him more. To hug him one more time... It's like that song - One more day by Lonestar...

Then 20 years later, Mom finally went home to be with him. Gosh, I miss them...

My Child... she's 16 now...

My story... Two days before you were born...
You were supposed to be born around the 24th or 26th of July...
We wanted to go to watch the fireworks at Ala Moana, but since it was so crowded, we ended up at Waikiki by Walls. I remembered sitting on the beach in the evening, looking at the sky light up with all the colors from the fireworks. Jayna was in awe of EACH "boom" EACH "wow!" was amazing...
Once the fireworks were over, we waited til most of the crowd was gone to get up. Jayna and your daddy had to help me up because I was so big and heavy... goodness...
Till tomorrow... your life continues to grow... 
==================================
The night before... It was late, and I was restless... I couldn't get comfortable whether I was on my left side or right. I did the pillow under my knees when I was lying on my back, but even that was uncomfortable...
When I was tired of being in bed, I went to the living room to just sit up and get tired. There was a late night movie, but I couldn't concentrate what was on... just so uncomfortable.
Lucky for us, we had back up that just in case, we had the neighbors ready to watch your older sister if we had to leave in the middle of the night. In this case, it was close to 4:00 am, July 6th, when I bolted up in pain. It wasn't like with your sister... every contraction with her were like Peter and the Wolf... false alarms. With you, it was immediate. Your dad woke up the neighbors to let them know. I went straight to the shower because I didn't know when I would get the next chance to do so...
The contractions were so close and I had a hard time moving; every step was not painful, but definitely stopped me from moving forward. As soon as I was able, I moved to get myself ready. We dropped off your sister and quickly left for the hospital.
I realized when we were about 5 minutes to the hospital, we forgot the video camera. The still camera was in the shop... So no immediate pictures of you. I had to buy disposable ones! Auntie Rhino was just grateful there were pictures!
As soon as we arrived at the hospital, got into a room, got the epidural, you were ready to greet the world. I wasn't! The epidural wasn't working and well, ready or not, within the hour we arrived, you greeted the world, bright and early.
And the rest... is not just history.. but future for you.
Hau'oli la hanau Kauanoelehua! Sixteen years of loving, sixteen years of challenges, chocolate messes, tears, laughter, memories... I love you with all my heart and soul.
Blessings to you on this day and always. I love you forever Beechabee!!!

It's been awhile...

These are those moments I cherish... to simply not talk to anyone.. be myself... quiet with just the tv in the background... not answer the phone (CHOICE)... fb if I really want to... definitely watch Friends reruns

Journaling is something that I miss doing but going to pick it up again... it's been awhile...

Life challenge - Hope Always

Do you feel sometimes that life really is challenging? Sometimes, I am at a loss of what to say, do, or feel. I think that I allow others to "control" my actions and comply. Why?

The last few weeks have been challenging, but hopefully getting better.

Hope Always.

2013 - a new journey... with LOTS of thankfulness!

It's been quite a journey I've been walking on the last 5 years. So much to think about to actually BLOG, because some things should be kept private... So what can be said?

I've definitely had some ups and downs...

The kids are great.

My Love is wonderful.

God is amazing.

I am truly blessed to be where I am, a place of my own, OUR own... a job I really do enjoy... friends and family who have been so awesomely supportive.

I learned that not everything goes as smoothly as I would like, and that's okay.

God is always in control. Once I started to understand, I knew I could leave things up to Him and somehow, it all works out. I don't know why or how, but it just does.

I'm proud of my kids. Truly. Even though #1 is not going to school, she's learning. And you know what? She's so much more open and understanding now than before. When she's ready for school, just like God... she'll go. The Mommy in me says "soon???" But really, I know, it's up to her. I'm still so proud.

Number 2 child is doing okay. Onto her 2nd (yes 2nd) bf, and well, as long as school is still good, and she's not side tracked TOOO MUCH... she is definitely very different from her sister. Very sociable, very talkative. At least they are both good to each other. They support each other the way how my sister and I were (and ARE)! Get along, "borrow" stuff.. fight.. hug.. lots of tears... still strong.

My little man... so ready to be with me. He's so kind, and loving and thoughtful. I know he's already a wonderful young man. He still kisses his Mommy in public (proud moment) and does what he is told. Oh yes, he has his moments, but his love out weighs the icky stuff.

My Love... what can I say? I would've never been in Grace Group if you hadn't pushed me. Thank you. I wouldn't have been as strong as I am now, if you didn't encourage me. I hope I am able to be a better person for you!

God is good... All the time! He is amazing. I realized that at church yesterday... that I don't mind talking about God and love and going to church. No shame, just IS.

I have amazing friends and family - sis, Arn, soccer moms, co-workers, cousins, friends... so loving, so supportive. Thank you.

And to my Guardian Angel - My Mommy.. It's been 16 years yesterday... and although I miss you I know you're here, watching over all of us... thank you for being YOU.

Things do come in threes...

Today marked a monumental day for different people...

- Darrah's birthday. My long time SHA friend from high school. She is the "oldest" of the gang to turn yet another year!

- Martin Luther King day. What a day to remember a man who had a DREAM. And his dream became reality for many!

- President Obama's Inaguration. Hawaii represented by Kamehameha Schools and Punahou's marching band.

And on a personal note.. time with my sister to clean out storage. So many times we've gone back and forth trying to get rid of stuff that we had such a hard time doing. Why couldn't we do it before? Why wasn't it easy to do? We weren't hoarders. We just held onto family memories, Mom's memories... Dad's memories... In the end, we both realized that they will always love us. We can't take these items with us to Heaven... but we can certainly share with others what Mom and Dad loved and enjoyed.

We were able to donate stuff for our cousin's garage sale, give more blankets to our dear Auntie! Yes, we still came home with a few items, but they were of our OWN memories that we decided to keep. AND to also pass on to friends who would certainly appreciate Clown Smurf... Mickey... and a few records my daughter would enjoy.

Thank you for a wonderful day, Lord! We've given, we sent our love, and we've enjoyed a day!